Dictates of conscience

Here's something I have thought a lot about at some point of time and struggled with, which recently came up - is it all right to give in to the wishes/opinions of people/society against the dictates of one's own conscience? Is it all right to give in to other people's expectations? And is it all right to choose a certain course of action because you want to prevent people/society from saying something distasteful/passing judgment on you?

Now before we start answering that, let's immediately eliminate all such actions from our discussion that are either unethical/unlawful. For of course if our conscience were to tell us to do something that were unlawful or unethical, it would be absolutely right to listen to society instead, and follow what was lawful/ethical. And so if someone's conscience tells them to go around killing people, society can of course impose itself on him/her. And so the discussion becomes irrelevant for such questions.

However, what of situations in life where we are faced with not ethical/legal dilemmas, but rather questions of interpersonal relationships, career choices, cultural choices, etc? What if, left to yourself, you would act in a certain way - but somehow something external makes you act differently? Now as I see it, there are three possible reasons why you might go against the dictates of your conscience:

1. Because you aren't really sure to begin with, and even when you thought your conscience was saying something, somewhere other things matter more to you. And so with some small external push, you are made to realize that what you thought mattered to you, didn't really matter as much - and so you choose to act otherwise. Again, in such situations the question really becomes irrelevant. So lets assume for the purposes of our discussion that, left to ourself, we would unhesitatingly act in a certain way - and our conscience is absolutely clear on that.

2. Because someone dear to you, or even just known to you, expects you to act differently. And so, you choose to give in to their expectations (even if your conscience says otherwise) because their opinion and happiness matters to you.

3. Because you fear what society/people might say if you acted the way your conscience dictates you act. And even if you don't fear it, you'd rather avoid people talking, and so you might choose to do what is socially accepted.

Both 2 and 3 are very common situations we see all the time around us - and each one of us, at some point or the other, has been in exactly one of those situations. Let's look at 2 first. There are so many examples that come to mind, that its a little hard to choose, but lets pick a few representative ones. You are really interested in art, and would like to pursue that - but your parents want you to do engineering, and so you give up your desire to do what your parents wish you to do. You are in love with someone, but your parents want you to marry someone else - so you give up your love to make them happy. You are friendly with someone of the opposite sex - but your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse does not approve of that relationship, and so even though you yourself trust that friend, you choose to give them up in order to make your significant other happy.

Each of the above situations essentially is one where one assigns a greater value/priority to pleasing someone else instead of oneself. And though superficially that might seem like a selfless act, might there be something deeper to it? I contend, yes.

First, I strongly believe that once one gets into the cycle of satisfying expectations, there is just no end to it. It is a very naturally human thing to expect - we expect other people to treat us nicely, we expect our near and dear ones to love us, we expect people to be fair, we expect that people recognize our merits, and so on - in short, we always expect things. And what happens when an expectation is satisfied? Temporarily we are pleased - but that just engenders another expectation. And so on, until we reach a stage where an expectation is not fulfilled. Which makes us unhappy. So, in my belief, one of the root causes of unhappiness is expectation. If we could detach ourselves from situations, and from expectations, we would be at much greater peace with ourselves. In an ideal world, no one would have expectations of others - we'd give advice, we'd love everyone without any inhibitions - but we would expect nothing in return. That is the ideal - and any deviation from that is of course non-ideal. So in our lives, to the extent possible - assuming we believe in that ideal - we should live up to it. Of course there are situations where it seems like it might be better to deviate from that ideal and give in, in order to make people temporarily happy, or prevent conflict. But beyond some temporary respite, all that does is encourage people to have more expectations - and so in the long run, it leads to malcontent.

Secondly, often when we try to satisfy someone's expectations and ignore our conscience, we end up up being unfair both to ourselves and to some other people involved in the situation. Giving up the love of your life and marrying the person your parents choose for you satisfies your parents, but is grossly unfair to the person you claimed to love. Sacrificing a friendship in order to sate a partner's jealousy keeps your relationship intact, but is undeniably unfair to that friend - whose only real fault was his/her loyalty to you! And so clearly again, there is something non-ideal about a decision that is unfair to someone. Note that the reverse is usually not true - by refusing to give up your friendship for your partner (assuming the friendship is completely pure to begin with), you are not being unfair to your partner - rather, all that you are saying is that their expectation is unreasonable.

Thirdly, what if two close people express contradictory opinions/expectations - and both different from your own conscience? How then do you go about satisfying them both?

Fourthly, such decisions often lead to situations where people later look back at those whose expectations they tried to satisfy, and blame them for making them take the decisions they did. It therefore prevents people from accepting full personal responsibility for their actions.

Despite all this, of course, we give in to people's expectations all the time, have expectations of our own. With many little things, it seems like it doesn't even matter that much - and if it can make someone happy, why not do it? All i can say about that is that as long as it doesn't end up hurting someone else, one can get away with it (even if it is non-ideal). It does, however, have subtle, long-term implications for how people in future will have expectations of one. Again, note that not satisfying someone's expectations, if unreasonable, is not equivalent to hurting someone who is fairly entitled to something.

Enough about that. Now let's look at 3 - fear of society. This, if anything, is even more common in society. We are, after all, social animals, and crave - more than anything else - acceptance in society. And this is especially true with, for example, the more conservative of my family members - people are truly afraid of what society might think of their actions, and it is a huge factor in determining how they choose to act.

The second argument given against situation 2 is also applicable here - namely that, often, in trying to avoid disagreeable circumstances we end up hurting other people. Choosing to break off your relationship with someone outside your community, for fear of what people might say, is just unfair to the person with whom you shared that relationship. And there are tons of other such examples.

In addition, there is the question of how far really one can go to prevent people from talking - for if there's one thing I've realized in life, its that people will ALWAYS talk. There is ALWAYS something to gossip about, and poke fun at, and pass comments on - and however careful one might be, there is nothing one can do to entirely prevent that. So let's accept that people will say what they want to say, irrespective of how careful you try to be about what you do. And usually such talk is idle, uninformed and sensationalized - and so if one is clear about one's conscience, there should be little difficulty in dismissing such talk.

A classic case is one where a stereotypical view of relationships makes people naturally conclude that there cannot possibly exist a close platonic friendship between two people of opposite sexes - and so, the gossip begins! In the face of such gossip, should the 2 people involved give up their friendship? What is it that is wrong in an absolute sense - the relationship, or the gossip? And which is more ideal - that ultimately people of opposite sexes stop having friendships, or that people accept that as normal and stop gossiping about it?

Finally, one fundamental issue I see with going against the dictates of your conscience in order to meet someone else's expectations/out of fear, is that it is, in some sense, hypocritical. Even though you firmly believe in something, you choose to act another way - and that just doesn't ring right. Baha’u'llah says, "Beware, O people of Baha, lest ye walk in the ways of them whose words differ from their deeds." There is great value, therefore, attached to the notion of being consistent in your thoughts, words, and actions. If one has conviction in something (again, within an ethical, rational and legal framework), one should be willing to act on the basis of that in the face of opposition from others. Being true and honest to oneself, and acting in consonance with one's conscience, is, I believe, the first step along the path of spiritual progress.